I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
