don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize