Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Never underestimate the power of titties
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
