party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ketchup is God's man juice
it's not cheating when I paid for it
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
