i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
