I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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