I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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