I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
