i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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