So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
