remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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