took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
