I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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