Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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