forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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