Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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