sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
