Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
