I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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