I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
