If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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