i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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