Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
