btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
