its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
