god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
