she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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