seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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