Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
