Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
