Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
