I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
