i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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