me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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