Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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