What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
