so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize