Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize