Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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