i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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