I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
