i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
