Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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