I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize