I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
