I could make wine with my vomit
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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