and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My cat gives me a boner
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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