It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
