Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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