Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
