I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
