In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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