I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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