I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
