I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
