I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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