your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
