the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
