I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
